1 week and 6 years ago today...

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I cannot believe that our little boy would be 6 years old today. It seems like a lifetime ago. Last week on his actual birthday, we were sick, sick, sick. With the dreaded flu bug. By the time I was coherent enough to realize what day it was, I felt a little depressed because I didn't have a chance to even think about him all day. I guess in a way, that's a good thing because that means that we're healing. I know is sounds strange to some that we can miss a child we never got to know or hold. But he was our child. He lived inside of me for 20 weeks. I felt him move. I knew him.
As we sat around the dinner table on Thursday last week, both of the older kids mentioned Boone. They both rememered him; that his birthday was the day before. Only, their memories are a little different than mine. (Thank goodness!)
Corrine asked if we ever got to see him. Or hold him.
I hated telling her no. There wasn't much of him that we could hold after my surgery.
Hunter asked exactly why Boone died.
I blinked back tears as Michael described what anencephaly is.
The reason for my tears is different now than it was 6 years, 5 years or even 4 years ago. My tears this time are because I'm feeling silly for missing a memory.
I never got to snuggle him, touch him, kiss him.
We have 3 beautiful, healthy children who are here. Right now. Healthy and alive. And I am holding on to what should have been. It's wrong. I know. I need to be satisfied with what we have and greatful that these three are ours. But today, my arms feel empty and my heart feels the loss. I miss not having a 6 year old son. Today.

Comments

Penny said…
Oh my precious girl, don't ever deny or apologize for your tender feelings for Boone. His existance was very brief but we have learned much from him and our lives were blessed in ways only time reveals. He was a part of your beautiful life and is now a treasured memory for us all. I love you, mom
March 2, 2011 at 8:30 AM
Kami Satterlee said…
I did not know this about you. Wow, what a strong woman you are. I can't imagine a loss like that,give yourself some credit you carried your son for 20 weeks...you can miss him all you want. So sorry for you loss, hope you are having a better week. :)
March 2, 2011 at 11:26 AM
Mandy said…
I agree with mom Emmy. I want you to know I love you and you are a very strong woman and I am proud to call you my sister. It's hard to believe that it was 6 years ago. I love you and those beautiful kids and borther-in-law so much.
March 2, 2011 at 6:47 PM
Jenelle Hickman said…
I didn't know this about you either Emily. First I have to say that I love your blog and I think you should become an author. My heart is full to learn this and you actually brought me to tears!! You are entitled to those feelings, you are a sweet, loving, nuturing mother-who loves her children. You have Boone waiting for you on the other side to be apart of your family again. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm amazed by your strength! I love your family! :)
March 3, 2011 at 11:43 PM
Unknown said…
I am so sorry for your grief Emily. I only came close to knowing death of a child once. It was enough and too close....it was horrible. My heart is heavy for you and I love you. I still grieve but am fortunate enough to be able to celebrate his life today. (sigh)
March 4, 2011 at 12:46 PM
sinika said…
Wow Emily- I can't even imagine. I think he's lucky to have a mommy like you. :)
March 5, 2011 at 2:19 PM
Vicky said…
I love you Emmy girl, and Boone too... Nani and so many others I m sure are holding him until you can. TIGHT HUG!
March 8, 2011 at 12:13 PM
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