This is why Michael should not leave me alone with my thoughts
It's 10 pm and I am alone. For the time being. The kids have only now drifted off to dreamland and my house could use a good cleaning. But who wants to do housework at 10 pm? Who wants to do housework ever? Not I, said Lazy Emily.
I've been thinking a lot lately about Boone. I'm missing him (or maybe it's just the idea of another baby boy) something fierce. We never got to hold him or snuggle him or watch him grow. I was only 20 weeks along when we lost him, but every time I think of our family, I feel this little empty spot. Like something was there once, but it's been moved and all that's left is a dusty space.
When we had Elayna we (Michael and I) both said that she would be our last; our tail end; our caboose. But that's something that is so hard for me to come to terms with sometimes. Most times, I feel happy with our choice. I feel blessed to be a mother to our 3 beautiful, healthy children. I am content in knowing that I won't ever have to deal with morning sickness, or baby weight, or maternity clothes, or potty training, or a person with a medical degree checking out my goods once a month. But then I see all these sweet, sweet babies and my womb starts to feel empty. Sometimes I feel a movement in my abdominal cavity and I think, "Oh! Baby!" But then the logical side takes over and I realize it was just gas. My arms ache to hold and nuzzle a little one. My olfactory glands start reminding me how delicious babies smell and my heart does these little flip flops. Ugh. Does it, will it ever go away? Please tell me that I'm not losing my mind here. Please say that I'm not the only woman to have gone through this. Please say that all of you or at least some of you (women) have felt this. Tell me that it's normal because babies are simply irresistible anyway. Please tell me so that I can fold this feeling up into a teeny tiny origami baby blanket and put it away for when my children have children and then I can pull it out and wrap my grand-babies in it. Either that or tell me that we should just try for another baby boy. Michael?
Didn't see that one coming did you? Neither did I. Crap.
I've been thinking a lot lately about Boone. I'm missing him (or maybe it's just the idea of another baby boy) something fierce. We never got to hold him or snuggle him or watch him grow. I was only 20 weeks along when we lost him, but every time I think of our family, I feel this little empty spot. Like something was there once, but it's been moved and all that's left is a dusty space.
When we had Elayna we (Michael and I) both said that she would be our last; our tail end; our caboose. But that's something that is so hard for me to come to terms with sometimes. Most times, I feel happy with our choice. I feel blessed to be a mother to our 3 beautiful, healthy children. I am content in knowing that I won't ever have to deal with morning sickness, or baby weight, or maternity clothes, or potty training, or a person with a medical degree checking out my goods once a month. But then I see all these sweet, sweet babies and my womb starts to feel empty. Sometimes I feel a movement in my abdominal cavity and I think, "Oh! Baby!" But then the logical side takes over and I realize it was just gas. My arms ache to hold and nuzzle a little one. My olfactory glands start reminding me how delicious babies smell and my heart does these little flip flops. Ugh. Does it, will it ever go away? Please tell me that I'm not losing my mind here. Please say that I'm not the only woman to have gone through this. Please say that all of you or at least some of you (women) have felt this. Tell me that it's normal because babies are simply irresistible anyway. Please tell me so that I can fold this feeling up into a teeny tiny origami baby blanket and put it away for when my children have children and then I can pull it out and wrap my grand-babies in it. Either that or tell me that we should just try for another baby boy. Michael?
Didn't see that one coming did you? Neither did I. Crap.
Comments
actog: the sound one makes while choking. "Oh but the funniest part was.. actog!!! Oh my gosh! I almost choked on that steak!"
P.S. I love your joy in life...Anytime I am having a rough or long day I can read your blog and smile...thanks for being a great friend!
lots of love
Lindsay