My conversation with The Antlers. All 1200 pounds of them

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toady \TOH-dee\, noun, verb:

1. a fawning flatterer; humble dependent.

2. to attempt to gain favor by fawning or being servile.


OK boys.


Neither one of us wants the other to be here, but seriously? Something's gotta give.

The only reason I am allowing you to take up precious space, emotional time, thoughts in Mr. B's head, not to mention the gallons of drool that I am required to mop up from his buddies coming over to check y'all out, is because that man inside is kindof really hot and I kindof really love him. And if he saw into my head what I would do with you, he may never forgive me. Let's just say, it doesn't involve me posing with one of you in skimpy camo garb. (I am totally denying that ever happened, and will shoot anyone if they ever try to prove it.)

So the next time you see me coming, please be kind enough to stay out of my way. I lose a lot of brain cells every time I stand up and 'bump' into one of you. And we all know how precious those cells are to me. I can't spare anymore of them.
I know about your feelings for Mr. B, how he rescued you from the jaws of a rabid squirrel and all. I'd be a bit infatuated too, but HE AND I HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER. And when I think of all the nice things I could have if we didn't have you - a pedicure, a bag of organic HFCS-free cinnamon bears, a good pair of tweezers (heaven know how hard those are to come by!) - I get a tad bitter. Especially when thinking of those cinnamon bears. So as of this moment, there will be no more sneaking into bed with him for a little cuddle time. No more brushing up against him when he walks by. No more trying to catch his eye when he and I are together.
I feel I am being generous and gracious enough to allow you to hang out in our shed, so please. Mind your manners and I'll let you stay. If you uphold your end of the bargain, I promise not to sell you to China for $14 a pound to be ground into powder and used as an aphrodisiac.
In just a moment, I'm going to walk out that door and when I do, I don't want to hear any sniveling or complaining. I want to hear nothing. Quit being such a toady and man up.

All I ask is that the boundaries be respected.

Thanks guys.

Peace Out.

Comments

Danielle said…
You can count on my awesome detective skills to find that picture of you. Watch out.

nogiabi
February 11, 2009 at 12:13 PM
Terrie said…
Just one question, Has Mr. B ever come home from a hunt so late in the evening, while you were sleeping only to have you open the door into the garage to head for work or other day's adventures and come face to face with that deer caught in the headlights, hanging from the rafters look? Yes, I'm speaking from first hand experience so I understand where you are coming from with the antlers. Luckily, we got rid of all but two sets of Brent's however judging form the size, you'd think Brent's were from the rabid squirrels, not the deer.
February 11, 2009 at 1:46 PM
Tamara with a "T" said…
Hey Em. I think I have that pic. I'd be happy to post it if you'd like. It's HOOOOOTTTT mamacita!!! I mean, what picture are you talking about? That post made me smile inside. You are the best!
February 14, 2009 at 12:37 PM
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